Or am I wrong?

Every year, as Valentine’s Day approaches, I promise myself two things. This is the year that I will publish something on Valentine’s and this is the year I decide to love someone and make it to next Valentine’s. Unfortunately, both of the promises are never kept. Why, you may ask. Well, love comes easy for some more than others. I am also incredibly lazy when I choose to. Today, as the month of love is almost beginning, I want to respond to some things that some of my dear readers enquired as a point of concern and a genuine question. Being as single as you always are, don’t you ever get lonely? Why on earth are you single yet you write and speak the language of love (poetry)? Have you ever been rejected? Who hurt you? The responses in a nutshell are sometimes, mostly by choice and an insane ego, more times than I am happy to admit, and lastly me, I hurt me. Today’s blog is one unique one. Ignore the somber tone in this one, stick till the end.

Philophobia, gamophobia. These two lovely words. You may wonder what these words have to do with Valentine’s and love and my inability to stick to a damn schedule and publish on February’s. Philophobia according to the modern, urban dictionary is the fear of falling in love. Gamophobia on the other hand is the fear of commitments (I once thought of it as the fear of games, lol). Teleophobia is the fear of definite plans and schedules (Damn, I wish I had this as it would explain a lot, sadly I do not).

Everyone has something they are scared of. It could be heights, long words, spiders, frogs, darkness, people or love. I have multiple fears. They stem from my anxiety (Click right here for the link to my blog on anxiety). I cannot really say what my greatest fear is, but I do know that love and relationships are one of my many fears.

Fear is a funny thing. It bites away at you and gnaws at every little nerve of yours until you begin to act at its will. You could wonder why someone would be scared of falling in love, and having committed relationships. I mean, it does sound like a beautiful thing, all magical and all. The buying of flowers, the holding hands, the handwritten notes, the beautiful poems, the comfort and care of your loved one and the entire dynamic that makes a relationship. However, do allow me to describe love and a relationship from an anxious mind.

A moment of weakness that could stretch into an eternity of weakness, a ton of vulnerability that could ultimately lead to manipulation and exploitation, a mileage of expectations that could easily be unfulfilled leading to hurt, a potential serial killer that could easily murder me in my sleep, wasted years with the wrong person hoping they’ll change, potential heartbreak, inevitable death of the other, realization that I am not it from someone I adore, among many others. Truth is, some of us will be alone on Valentine’s, not because we are not beautiful enough, or because we are sl**ty, or because nobody wants us, but simply because of our fears. Our fears may stem from insecurities, from us feeling undeserving or from underlying trauma. However, there’s a batch of us that do know that we deserve it, we are healed and worthy, but the cons outweigh the pros.

It is the season of love, and once again I will break one of my promises to myself, because for me, love is too much yet not enough. I will break someone’s son’s heart by rejecting them, because much as I’d love to love them, I do not want to get hurt and their love is not enough to quell this fear. I will be so angry with myself, because once more, I take away the opportunity of loving and being loved because of my fears. It is the season of love, and I know I am not the only one who is crippled by this. It is the season of love, and once more my fears win again. It is the month of love, and so I shall not.

I have kept one promise though, I have written and published, just before February.