L FOR BUTTERFLIES AND HEARTS

Do you ever find yourself falling in love over and over again? Now, the season of love is nearly here- will you be my Valentine’s and other stuff. Anyway, most of us, if not all of us have fallen in love at some point. I love love. Love is beautiful. The butterflies (ama ni minyoo), the heart racing (ama ni heart attack?), the silly smiles (ama nachizi)… well you get it- the whole package of flutters in your chest when you think of that significant other- is beautiful. We love love here. In the spirit of being a young adult who hates it here in adulting land- let’s slowly breakdown one amazing topic that challenges most of us. Love.

I’ve recently been reading some fantasy books- and at this rate- I think they should just call them romance- and though I heavily dislike romance books- I’ve found that I like the love portrayed in fantasy books. That fantasy and fairy tale kind of love. Anyway, how does one navigate a world in which most people shun love and many people are so broken that getting and being in a relationship sometimes feels like a battle?

I saw a post in which a chief of an area said that he will force anyone above 25 years to marry because the youth were literally refusing to get married. We’re officially in that age where- by the time our parents were the same age, they were married and probably had kids. Yes, I get that times have changed and all- but all I’m saying is more and more of us- Gen Z especially are considering not getting married at all… which is not so shocking.

The main reason for this is, by the time you’re in your early twenties- you have been broken so much that you give up and in the process of protecting your heart, you develop toxic habits and in turn you hurt someone else and a vicious cycle starts. We’ve all been hurt and we’ve all hurt someone- in any capacity. It sucks, both scenarios suck. This is what makes the books and movies kind of love seem impossible.

The truth is- it’s not so hard, it’s not even nearly impossible. Fairy tales kind of love can exist and do exist in real life- you probably haven’t found the person worth putting in the small effort needed in all that.

I’ll give one simple tip. Heal first- before even trying to get into a relationship with someone- heal. Most of us can look at our first relationship and how much we were willing to give and we were willing to give so much of ourselves because we weren’t so broken yet. So, heal. You cannot expect someone to love you- when you do not know how to love yourself. When you don’t have anything for yourself outside of the person. When you pile on your insecurities and brokenness to that other person. When you look at the other person and see the ex who hurt you in so many ways. There’s only so much that someone can make you believe in when you don’t believe in yourself. I had to learn the hard way, because you’ll end up hurting others so much more by placing your baggage on them and your toxicity. Until you heal- you won’t really have such a healthy relationship and you’re better off staying away and working on yourself.

Imagine how hard it is to work on yourself. To get rid of toxic habits, unhealthy habits, negative beliefs and all that baggage. It’s hard. Now imagine how hard someone else has to work, tolerating or trying to make you change the toxic habits, making you believe that you’re not as damaged as you see yourself. It’s unfair. And frankly, it’s the reason many relationships tend to be short-lived. Heal first, then you’ll realize that fairy tales do exist- not just in books and movies- but in real life.

There are people who’ll treat you right, communicate clearly, be there in all means and ways, love you the way you want to be loved, believe in you in all ways, pray for you and with you. There are people who’ll do the work with you and for you- as long as you do too. I’m saying this with conviction because I know such people- and they are in beautiful relationships, happy relationships, healthy relationships. There’s a beautiful world out there- when you get the right people around you and you can just marvel and grow and bloom in it.

Wait for it- and as you do- do the work on yourself. Grow such that you have a life and you’re a person beside your relationship. It is beautiful when you are able to grow alongside someone.

In this season of love, live and love. Live and be happy. Na kama hauna mtu- don’t be pressured. The right person comes when you’re not looking, when you least expect it.

Be happy. (Source for featured image- https://pin.it/23xVQFUKc )

Until we meet again! I’ll be putting updates every 10th multiple day of the month… i.e. 10th, 20th, 30th. Let’s navigate adulthood together!

For my reading people- IF YOU HAVEN’T READ SARAH J MAAS, you are missing out. That woman is a fantasy god.