LIFE WITH PICA DISORDER

People think of monsters as those ugly, deformed creatures that haunt them in their sleep. Children think of them as the scary people hidden under the bed, in the dark or in the closet. I have a monster. This one does not live under my bed. It is however, a monster that I have lived with since childhood. It is a monster that lives in my head. Herein is a personal story. I published this tale (a version of sorts) in 2020 regarding this monster, but I was not mentally stable then so I took it down and deleted it. I will add some of the details that were in it here. I am not writing this for anyone’s pity or anything, but because, I have researched more on my monster, and there isn’t enough material on this topic and it is all so biased. I am writing to raise awareness, because I know there are many like me, who could be victims of this monster, but may not know it. On with the story, enjoy.

When I was child, I was addicted to eating so many weird things – I still am. I would eat rocks, dirt, papers, charcoal, pencil lead, chalk, cushions, textiles, plastics- and many more as you will learn. My mother would beat me up for it, my friends would ridicule me for it, my teachers would punish me for it and well, I would hate myself for it. As I got older, the phase, as everyone termed it, refused to go away. It in fact got worse. I sort of graduated to bigger fish. Most of the previous ones still prevailed, but I moved on to glass shards, concrete, paint chips and more harmful things that I will not speak off. I am sure I have already freaked you out. My teachers in high school would punish me for my torn books with pages cut out. My parents would yell at me that I am risking my health, my friends would tell me – Si uache tu (Just stop it) and I would grow to hate myself even more.

Pica disorder is a mental eating disorder/ behavioral disorder where a person eats – and swallows- things that people ordinarily would not consider food. It is a compulsive disorder that mostly manifests in kids (most times it goes away as just a phase), in pets and mostly in pregnant women. I can assure you I am not a cat and there is no way on earth I have been expectant for all my life – as far as I can remember. I am a twenty-two year old and this is my life with pica. I am obsessed with reading things, and as soon as I identified that I do have a problem, I sought a solution. There are not many enough published articles on pica as a disorder, and even worse, there aren’t many articles or books or publications on pica in ordinary people – not children or pregnant women, people like me and you.

Pica, like many other eating and behavioral disorders can vary in its intensity. It can manifest as a mild thing, but it can also be very persistent and very dangerous. Its exact cause is not known but it has been linked to stress, lack of nutrients, neglect, environment etc. I have no idea what exactly caused mine, but it is not listed above. Pica is dangerous as it can cause infections, worms, parasites, indigestion, poisoning etc. It all goes down to what the person is ingesting. Some very serious cases, people even ingest nails – metal nails. There is no exact cure for pica, but consultation with a doctor or a psychiatrist can go a long way. Back to my story- the 2020 publication starts here.

My life with pica has honestly been hell. Well, ever since I was small, I was eating weird things. My mom says I have always been a weirdo. It began as soon as I could walk and eat at around age three. I would go to the kitchen and steal pieces of charcoal and just hide in a corner and eat the whole thing. Then I’d come out and my mouth is all black and mom would beat me up. I would continue to and they would say that it was just a phase I would eventually outgrow. But I did not. Instead it expanded to pieces of chalk as soon as I went to school, stones and the lead in my pencils and erasers too. I know you’re thinking chewing then spitting but no. I would chew and swallow all those things. I remember my mom got annoyed until she would buy me these plastic princess pencils because then I would not break them like the wooden ones. I was a small girl in love with princesses. Of course that would only solve a small portion of the problem temporarily. I was still eating chalk and charcoal and erasers. And there was nothing much they could do.

As I got older I despised princesses so that no longer worked. It would only spark another problem. I now broke and chewed the plastic and yeah got to the pencil lead that I so much loved. I would also tear up cushions small small bits and enjoy them while mom wasn’t watching. This was actually hilarious because I recall my parents thinking there was a rodent in the house and turning everything upside down and even setting traps. I could not confess because well if they found out I would be in huge trouble. Eventually though they did find out that it was me.

By the time I was 11 I had progressed to pieces of paper. I would tear up my books and eat the papers. This made people make fun of me. I remember my teachers would also beat me up for tearing my books. This caused me to get issues with myself and I became uncomfortable in my own skin. Of course anxiety worsened everything – and boy do anxieties and anxiety attacks plague me. Because while everyone was telling me that I should just hold myself back I would always ask myself why can’t I? I did try and I just could not. So I started biting my nails. I hated myself for most of my life because why couldn’t I be like a normal kid and avoid all the chaos and drama.

My dad thought that it was just some annoying habit and an attempt at rudeness but I just found myself doing it and I could not stop. He even made me carry a nail cutter everywhere. Most of my friends can attest to the fact that they have tried to get me to stop but all of them have failed. The longest I have been able to stay without biting my nails is a month. (This is from 2020, I can proudly say I got over the nails- but it got to something else).

Over the years it has gotten worse. I have sought medical help, but most say that it’s just in the mind. I have been given so many supplements but none works. I have eaten charcoal, chalk, cement, concrete, stones, papers, dried off paint, cushions, pieces of clothes and ink – (this was in 2020, I went on to glass shards and to dirt particles). I would like to say that I am okay now and I am over it but sadly I am not.

I guess you are wondering can’t I just avoid it? But it’s just like an addiction. And while most of you wake up looking for food to eat, I look for these things that will satisfy that itch. I have tried avoiding eating these things but I end up feeling itchy and sick. Most times I can’t do my day to day activities without having eaten them.

Actually it is not easy. And I know reading about it always looks like some stupid thing but it’s not. My parents think I am just an attention seeker (Used to, I recognize how frustrating it was for them). Some of the people I have told think I am crazy. Kids and my younger siblings and friends say that she is a crazy one. She eats stones and concrete and papers. My parents stopped buying new cushions because they never last.

As long as I can remember people have made fun of me and it’s all for this thing that I have no control over. Supplements and drugs have never done the trick and therapy hasn’t. The fact that people treat it as an attention seeking behavior and as something childish only makes it harder for people with pica. I chose to speak out about something that I have told few people of because I know there are others out there who do not know how to deal with it.

My greatest fear and even as I continue to daily satisfy this monster in my head is one day it will kill me. One day I might ingest something poisonous and die. One day my digestive tract will collapse. One day all these things will happen because I am unable to stop. But even all these fears aren’t enough to stop me from feeding it. In the end, pica wins. Doesn’t sound so simple now does it?

It is 2023, three years since I wrote most of what is above here. It is 2023, and I am severely sick as I write this because I accidentally infected myself with something some four days ago as a result of this thing. It is 2023 and I have looked for a thousand and one ways to control it, but somehow it returns. It is 2023 and I am in pain because of a behavioral disorder that makes me look like I lost my sanity. The good thing is that I am seeking treatment for the infection I have, I hope to get better soon. I am also going to work to control it as much as possible because I am scared I will be the death of me. However, this fear is never even enough.

That is all for today, my lovelies. If you know someone going through this, kindly do not ridicule them or chastise them – we know and we hate ourselves for it- you making us feel worse does not help but increases our anxiety and this causes us to satisfy it more. Gently bring it to our attention as we sometimes do it subconsciously, ask us to seek help or help us if you can. You can have some edible sand or clay or stones or chips that have been treated as safe in your house for that friend. If you are that friend – carry these edible substitutes with you. Most of all, we are not freaking weirdos or creeps. I pride myself in being weird – to a slight extent- but not because of pica. As you raise mental health awareness- remember conditions like pica, which people especially in African countries, ignore and stigmatize people for them.

I AM NOT WEIRD – I just have a disorder that I hate more than you would bother to know.

That is all from me. I have this monster in my head – what to do about it?

Thanks for reading this far. Bye!