TOXIC TRAITS

Toxic traits. I know what you are probably thinking. Your mind most likely has shifted to the narcissistic and sadistic behaviors that you hear of maybe from your friends, family or the internet. When you hear of toxic traits, you probably think of that abusive person you know of, verbally or physically, or that obsessive stalker that is torturing your best friend all the time. I have a different view to it. My view is we all have toxic traits. Even you who may be the calmest, most put together person in your friend group. You do have a toxic trait.

As the year began, yes it is day four and the year is old so hold off on the happy new year’s messages and greetings, I wrote down my resolutions. They were divided into various categories, and my blog this year will be mainly focused on one of the categories, personal growth. You could be wondering, why would you write about your personal growth, well it is because I know what I will be touching on can impact many others into developing and maturing to their best self and I want you on this journey with me. This journey begins with today’s blog, toxic trait. Identifying your issues and problems is always the first step towards change and so let us delve into it.

By definition, a toxic trait is an aspect of a person’s character which at first may seem harmless and not quite bothersome, but when tolerated it gets worse until it becomes unbearable. More often than not, toxic traits appear as quirks and oddities that a person has. They may seem as weird or odd things that make the person who they are. However, when one decides to tolerate them or not work on them, they may end up being difficult and even harmful traits. These traits often develop and push the person to hurt those around them. The “toxic” person many times, does not really know that they are hurting those around them by keeping up with those traits and doing whatever they could be doing. They just feel like it is the way that they are and their friends, family, significant other, should accept them as they are, not push them to change.

There are many kinds of toxic traits. I will mention just a few of the most common ones. Some toxic traits include lying, playing the victim, insincerity, cheating and infidelity, not speaking out or unassertiveness, taking things too personally, selfishness and self-centeredness, not listening to others, perfectionism, over-seeking validation, people pleasing, inflexibility, judging others, over-optimism or faking happiness and positivity, jealousy, self-negligence, irresponsible behavior, over-competitiveness, arrogance, social comparison, self-isolating, using your phone incessantly when conversing with others, entitlement, living in the past, holding on to loss, pessimism especially to oneself, attention seeking, resistance to change, manipulative behavior, untrustworthiness, guilt-tripping, being overdramatic, overthinking, holding grudges, meanness, gossip, lack of boundaries, expecting more than you give and gas lighting.

The above are just a few of the more common everyday behaviors and traits that one could easily overlook. Now, some of these behaviors are normal but tend to be toxic when you allow them to inhibit your day-to-day life and how you relate to your friends and family. I, personally, know first-hand how dealing with someone with these traits can be hectic, stressful and downright depressing. However, in the process of conversing with the individual, we had a heart-to-heart where he told me that I was also very toxic. Now, the toxic me always saw herself as self-righteous (another trait) fairly flawless and easy to handle until I found out I was. The individual decided he’d try to change and he did, whereas excessively stubborn flawless me, decided I am too flawless to change. That friendship sank, and I was the reason. Many friendships have also sank, and most of the times I am vaguely aware that I am the reason. Yes, I am quite a toxic person, bundled up in a neat package of composure.

When we form close relationships with people, be it our family, our friends, our colleagues or our significant others, we tend to look at their good traits. We look at how compassionate they are, how kind they are, how sweet they are, how they make such good food, but we forget they are humans and cannot be 100% good. They also have their bad traits. We ignore those traits, until they reach a point where they cannot be ignored and we start claiming that they were faking it all along. In the end, it becomes more and more difficult to handle their behaviors and it frankly gets draining that we end up walking away.

The thing about walking away from someone with toxic traits however is more often than not they do not really know they are being toxic or harming you. Confronting them leads to arguments because they feel like you do not get who they are and you want them to change to this ideal person. This often leaves people feeling very guilty and continuing to tolerate these behaviors until the relationships, whether personal or professional, becomes toxic.

You can overcome toxic traits and thoughts in yourself by first identifying and being observant of how others act around you. If people are often very defensive, or even downright do not come to you for advice or even call you manipulative and basically avoid your company even when you offer it, you most likely have a toxic trait. You can ask those often around you what you do or say that could seem toxic and start working on it. You could also analyze some scenarios where you said or did something and someone got mad or went suddenly quiet or shrank back. Secondly, once you have identified these traits, find a way to control the behavior. If you often gaslight your friends or partner, try listening more and do not shut them down or tell them they are overreacting. Their feelings and thoughts are very significant. It is not easy to hold back on these traits because most of them have been part of you since you were a child and they are like second nature. You will find yourself losing control and reverting back to them once in a while. However, when you do so, hold yourself accountable and apologize to whoever you could have hurt. Put in the work and trust me, those around you will notice and will also try to assist you.

Now you could be on the receiving end of the toxicity. How do you deal with a toxic individual? First, confront them respectfully. Keyword being respectfully. Do not go yelling and downright attacking them. This will make the individual very defensive. Respectfully lay it out that you have noticed this and that and it is not pleasing to you. Lay a foundation for a clear conversation. A friend sought me out the other day and told me: “Pat, I have noticed that you deflect from our friendship when you have issues. You are there for the fun and jokes, but when it gets bad for you emotionally, you close yourself off. When I need you to be there especially for emotional support, you are also never there. You self-isolate until you fill that the sunshine days are back and it’s a good time to remember your friend. I do not know if you do that to everyone else around you, but I feel it is something you should try to work on.” After this, we had a very long conversation and she made me see how what I was doing was bad and toxic. I all-along had thought it is just how I am, but it was affecting her. She respectfully confronted me, which was a first step in allowing me to understand and explain the situation to her.

Second, hold them accountable and set stricter boundaries. You see you cannot expect someone to change who they are so easily. Boundaries and holding them accountable allows them to be able to start to change. My friend downright told me that we would not be friends if I kept on isolating and abandoning the friendship as I saw fit. She told me she would stop talking to me and would not entertain me until I tried to be more of a good friend. At first, I was like, to hell with this, who needs friends anyway, I am an effing island I don’t need humans. She did stop talking and entertaining me on the sunshine days. I would send her an email or a message of a funny thing I heard today and her response would be, okay. What do you mean okay???

Thirdly and finally, if the person is unwilling to change on their toxic traits, cut the person off. In all honesty, you cannot allow a toxic person to stifle you and drown you in the name of love, or respect or years of friendship. End things and move on with your life. It may hurt for a bit, but eventually you will be okay with not toxic environment suffocating you. My friend did that. I woke up one day to an email, I was excited because her emails were gold, but it was and friendship breakup. She said she could not continue being close to me because I was too much with my hot and coldness. Apparently, all she had was surface knowledge and surface access to me, whereas she let me see the deep stuff but I could not reciprocate. She is happy right now, I see her posting stuff with new peers. I am happy she is happy.

I am a toxic person. If anything, I am a walking red flag. I have been slowly trying to change, but change never comes easy. I do not know how to be a good friend. I will probably stifle you with gifts and then abandon you for ten months then realize I had a friend with no absolute guilt. I will end a relationship without letting you know simply because I do not wish to have you around me or let you in. I will also probably make you fall in love with me, or the idea of me, then leave you high and dry to deal with your emotions (do not under any circumstances fall in love with me, a very bad idea. I will hurt you). The most toxic thing about me, Pat K., is that I know that I have these and more traits and behaviors, but I still continue to do these things.

That was quite anticlimactic. Anyways, that is all for today. Until next time, work on yourself, as I am. It is no piece of cake, but it is doable. Have a lovely year ahead and do not forget to bloom.